The Time of Your Life
Friday, January 15, 2010
meh.
ugh. crappiest day EVER. really down today. i swear, i'm going to fail econ. i have to tell kneibel that i'm dropping mock, and i've got the worst stomach ache. i failed the huge project because i didn't have any freaking internet access. so upset. she said she had to fail me so that it would be fair. well, if it was fair, the assignment would have never been given. GRRRRR!!!! i'm really sad today. there went college and making something of my life-- i need that class to graduate, and today is the last day of the semester. i'm just down. i wrote the most depressing poem that i've written in months. i'm SO upset. then, the vice principal wouldn't help me out with a special project... lonely. really tired. my arm hurts where i had the allergy last night. it's a rash and it's nasty. well, i'm going to go before i ruin everyone else's day. i'm not on facebook anymore. deleted the account. bye everyone. jess
Monday, January 4, 2010
HERE i am
here i am... this is me... oh, dang, have i changed... in july, i published my first book. three weeks later, i moved in with my new family. it's not easy. but i LOVE them. and they LOVE me. i miss my old family sometimes. but i am SO happy now. two weeks after i turned seventeen, i took a ride in the back of that police car. they brought me to my new home. i'm a senior this year. i go to WC. i am SO happy. what can i say? god has blessed me, and for that i am grateful.
MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE
dear god, please help me to not seek to be loved as much as i seek to love. may i realise that may mean leaving people alone, or just giving them time and space. not everyone always wants a hug (like me) and not everyone always wants to cuddle (like me). please help me to grow in love and in respect for my friends and enemies alike. amen.
MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE
dear god, please help me to not seek to be loved as much as i seek to love. may i realise that may mean leaving people alone, or just giving them time and space. not everyone always wants a hug (like me) and not everyone always wants to cuddle (like me). please help me to grow in love and in respect for my friends and enemies alike. amen.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
i don't know. depressed. i can't stand kent city. i hate everything now. i have no one. becca can never hang out, paige is too busy... that's all i have. i don't have friends at kent city. and no one at west has answered my emails or anything. i can't eat. i just cut and sleep and sing. and pretend like everything's okay at church and choir. i feel so insignificant. so weak. i'm alone. i hate this. is anybody there? duh. siggggggggh. i need someone to hold my hand. i hate life now. that's all i do... sleep, sing, cut, "learn" repeat. sleep, sing, cut, "learn" repeat. sleep, sing, cut, "learn" repeat. i hate this. i hate life. why can't i be something? why doesn't anyone want me? i just want to do something... go out on the street and be a slut or something. maybe then i'll feel like someone is there. they don't just hate me- they hate my mere existance. the only words of my being, according to my own mother, are "liar. common thief. bitch. whore. fat. ugly. witch. wench. retard. failure... etc... more of this..." why doesn't even she want me? why doesn't she tell me that i'm beautiful? why doesn't she take me shopping? why doesn't she tell me she loves me? why doesn't she help me find that perfect dress for the dance? why doesn't she love me? i'm sooooooo confused. i hate this. why am i alone? paige is busy. becca's with dannnnn. family is on the computer, has to sleep, won't talk... why do i cut? why do i have to bleed red? just like everyone else? why do i shed blood for them? to make up for my pain? iii hate thiss alll of ittt. (cries) (cries harder) (slashes wrist) (again). 3
Monday, August 25, 2008
wow. i talked to becca last night. i thought she would be, like, really upset. she wasn't. i didn't know what to think. as a matter of fact, she was rather supportive of the idea. that scares me a little. if my parents loved me like that, i would not want to share them with ANYONE. i would be a freakin' selfish bitch. today went really bad though. things got started off horribly; first, sarah said that she was having a meeting with all those people WITH me. then, it suddenly got changed to when i was at school. no. i know that mom will a. talk crap about me that's not true, and b. will not own up to everything that she has said. yesterday, she said, "i don't care about you. i'm beyond caring. you've fucked up your life, and i couldn't care less about it anymore. you're a fuckin' bitch, and i just don't care". that hurt me. it's not fair that she can so plainly and believably lie about what she's said. and people believe her. no matter what i say, it doesn't work. i can't prove words, and words are what hurt me the most. i'm so frustrated. i'm only a child, and they don't believe children. she will deny everything she says; i've been played in that game before. she'll just really calmly say, "i never said that... no, i didn't." and i hate myself for doing it, but i hate her sometimes. i really do. and sometimes, i hate myself for it, but i wish that she would just die so i wouldn't have to be hurt anymore. i wish i could feel differently. that's horrible i know. like i said, i hate myself for it. but you really can't control what you feel; you can scold yourself for it, that's for sure. but you can't make yourself not feel that way. i had a thought today; we should all get a group together to make C.S. Lewis a saint...
after that forever
after that forever,
i trusted you.
i said
that if you should
break my heart,
i would take
every blame.
after that forever,
you loved me.
my favorite place
in existence to be
was wrapped up
safely in your arms.
i could lie there
safe.
after that forever,
you were my refuge,
keeping me strong
as the world fell
all around us.
after that forever,
when darkness came
and took over
our small world,
you were there,
holding me gently
just like a child.
after that forever,
i fell asleep
to the sweet melody
of your breathing.
your smile was
my sweetest dream.
after that forever,
i could fall,
and you were there,
with your strong heart
ready and waiting
to catch my fragile soul.
after that forever,
our world was torn.
in reality,
we should have
fallen apart.
but the grace
of true love
kept us together
and hanging on.
after that forever,
you told me
that you loved me.
i stopped breathing.
the three words
so simple
changed my life.
in the past,
when some soul
had so carelessly
cursed me,
i'd been broken.
but now,
i was healed-
by three words.
after that forever,
i heard the news.
you've broken
my heart.
not to me,
so i could take blame.
but to others,
where all the words
i hear
pierce my spirit.
but forever
can't last forever,
because nothing
is forever.
but that was after-
after that forever.
i trusted you.
i said
that if you should
break my heart,
i would take
every blame.
after that forever,
you loved me.
my favorite place
in existence to be
was wrapped up
safely in your arms.
i could lie there
safe.
after that forever,
you were my refuge,
keeping me strong
as the world fell
all around us.
after that forever,
when darkness came
and took over
our small world,
you were there,
holding me gently
just like a child.
after that forever,
i fell asleep
to the sweet melody
of your breathing.
your smile was
my sweetest dream.
after that forever,
i could fall,
and you were there,
with your strong heart
ready and waiting
to catch my fragile soul.
after that forever,
our world was torn.
in reality,
we should have
fallen apart.
but the grace
of true love
kept us together
and hanging on.
after that forever,
you told me
that you loved me.
i stopped breathing.
the three words
so simple
changed my life.
in the past,
when some soul
had so carelessly
cursed me,
i'd been broken.
but now,
i was healed-
by three words.
after that forever,
i heard the news.
you've broken
my heart.
not to me,
so i could take blame.
but to others,
where all the words
i hear
pierce my spirit.
but forever
can't last forever,
because nothing
is forever.
but that was after-
after that forever.
Friday, August 22, 2008
FORGOTTEN
Curse that sorrowful girl.
Her and that invincible ignorance-
That fog over her heart.
Reject that betrayed child.
Repel the weakness of her fragile soul.
Stone her-
Repay her for her inability
To remember
The intricate design of the candles,
And the beauty of the melting wax.
Scorn her crying soul-
For not being able to recall
The ivory keys of the piano,
And the joy its sound echoed.
Hate her.
Hate the disgusting, filthy spirit
That lies within her.
She can't refresh in her memory,
Cannot recall in her mind;
The roughness of the bricks
Rubbing against her fingertips.
Or the gleaming, the shining
Of the holy monstrance.
She's forgotten
About the dull copper
Adorning the fourteen stations,
And the feel of the cool tiles
Smooth against her bare feet.
She's lost the vision she once kept,
In the depths of a forgetting heart.
Forgetting the shaded wood
That held the shape
Of the structure's glory,
And of the metal, shaped and skewn
Through the hands of a loving man,
Stretched out, and hung on a cross.
She's lost the fragrance
Of the sweet easter lily's
filling the pure dry air.
She's let go of the memories,
Precious memories of a long gone miracle.
Curse that sorrowful girl-
Her and that invincible ignorance.
Her and that invincible ignorance-
That fog over her heart.
Reject that betrayed child.
Repel the weakness of her fragile soul.
Stone her-
Repay her for her inability
To remember
The intricate design of the candles,
And the beauty of the melting wax.
Scorn her crying soul-
For not being able to recall
The ivory keys of the piano,
And the joy its sound echoed.
Hate her.
Hate the disgusting, filthy spirit
That lies within her.
She can't refresh in her memory,
Cannot recall in her mind;
The roughness of the bricks
Rubbing against her fingertips.
Or the gleaming, the shining
Of the holy monstrance.
She's forgotten
About the dull copper
Adorning the fourteen stations,
And the feel of the cool tiles
Smooth against her bare feet.
She's lost the vision she once kept,
In the depths of a forgetting heart.
Forgetting the shaded wood
That held the shape
Of the structure's glory,
And of the metal, shaped and skewn
Through the hands of a loving man,
Stretched out, and hung on a cross.
She's lost the fragrance
Of the sweet easter lily's
filling the pure dry air.
She's let go of the memories,
Precious memories of a long gone miracle.
Curse that sorrowful girl-
Her and that invincible ignorance.
Monday, August 18, 2008
oh wow! i haven't been on here in forever! ahkay, update. where to start? well, in june, i was accused of taking drugs from my moms medicine cabinet. i would be locked out of the house for hours, and hours, and hours, and hours. and i yelled at paige a lot, because she didn't seem to understand. i would get so hot in the sun that i would pass out in the middle of sidewalks. then, my mom didn't want me to go to west. she made up something nasty and wanted to get me sent away. i bawled my eyes out. i ran over to church and cried really hard in dan's office. he called his dad and said, "i'm coming your way, and i have a passenger." so we went to mr. and mrs. hurst's house. i told them everything, because there hasn't been a time yet when they haven't been able to help. it got really bad. after they got the story straight, they called mom and dad to tell them that i was with them and safe. but my mom and dad called the police to say that i "ran away" less then five minutes after i went to talk to dan. i cried a lot that night. i hate police officers, and not only did i have to talk to one, but she gave me a ride home too. she said, "if you're locked out again, you need to call us before you go ANYWHERE." the next morning, mrs. hurst came to mass, and said, "if you're locked out again today, call me." what happened? i was locked out. i didn't want to call her, because i didn't want to get in trouble. also, my mom said that if she just took me to her house like that, she would sue her for kidnapping. but soon enough, the ladies in the church office called her, and so the cops had to come too. they took me back to my house before she came. i didn't like that; i cried really hard the whole way until they brought me back to church. mrs. hurst was waiting at church for me, and i ran to her. she tried to tell me it was okay, but i didn't like that guy for taking me away like that. then he took her away. he talked to her for a long time, and i cried then too. but then they came out, and the police officer said to me, "there. now she has legal permission to take you home, and everything should be okay." i stayed with them, and it was a really happy day. then we had to go home. dad wasn't there yet, and mr. hurst didn't want me to have to explain to my mom, the officer should have to do that. so we went to adoration for a little while. i was so exhausted and overwhelmed that i basically fell into mrs. hurst's arms. luckily, she's strong like that, and held me as if i were a child. i cried. i was scared. that was the first of a long fight. and it's still going on. my social worker wants me to ask the hurst's to take custody of me, which isn't an easy question to ask. i love them with everything in me. they're strong people, and they've got my back. i adore them. but it's still not an easy question to ask. i'm 16. i go to a private high school. it's not easy for me to trust, but it's easy for me to love. don't ask me what i want, because i'm not sure yet. just like my taylor swift- i'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world. prayers will be accepted and appreciated. thank you! <3 jessie
embrace of love (by becca hurst)
Embrace of Love
Slip! The sound broke the silence of dawn.
The slow padding of feet strode across the wooden floor.
The now robbed figure poured the dark nectar of morn,
And strode across to the window as a doe beckons its fawn.
She peered out into the horizon out over the pine,
Pondering what will become of this day.
But then remembering that day,
The day that her groom asked, “Would you forever be mine?”
But, when she was young and all her friends were free and true
She felt emptiness of a warm embrace.
That none of her friends could fill the pain she hid,
Even though God was there to die for you.
She longed for arms to wrap around her,
She tried to fulfill it with her father’s embrace.
But nothing seemed to satisfy to fill this empty hole,
But He felt her pain and wept with every tear He could spare.
The time for pain didn’t stop,
As three years passed on,
But the emptiness grew
Like an ever-spinning top.
She clouded her vision to His love,
By trying to fill her vacant heart.
She tried to give herself to men who wouldn’t take,
And she remained like a flightless dove.
Her thoughts drifted to the flow of her peers,
Who filled their lives with unnatural pleasure,
But they seemed to be happy
With all the sex, drugs, and tears.
Then on that day of love, He sent a sign.
An image so beautiful that only He could create.
The rose-red across the sky
Said to her, “You’ll always be mine.”
Her heart filled with delight
Finally knowing that God was there for her
Her dove spread its wings
And took off, knowing that everything’s right.
However that joy soon began to fade
As she once again stepped to the outside.
All those around her spread their net
And trapped the new hope that He had made.
Once again blinded by her void
God’s love abandoned her heart
Even though He still loved her
He still longed for her to become once again overjoyed.
Then that day came
When He sent her a love
That she found him to be
An element that made life never again the same.
But with that physical love
A realization came to be
That without God’s devotion,
She would not have been a newfound dove.
And here she stood staring at the pine,
With a sudden clasp to engulf her.
Then she turned to her groom and said,
“Without His love, you would never be mine
Slip! The sound broke the silence of dawn.
The slow padding of feet strode across the wooden floor.
The now robbed figure poured the dark nectar of morn,
And strode across to the window as a doe beckons its fawn.
She peered out into the horizon out over the pine,
Pondering what will become of this day.
But then remembering that day,
The day that her groom asked, “Would you forever be mine?”
But, when she was young and all her friends were free and true
She felt emptiness of a warm embrace.
That none of her friends could fill the pain she hid,
Even though God was there to die for you.
She longed for arms to wrap around her,
She tried to fulfill it with her father’s embrace.
But nothing seemed to satisfy to fill this empty hole,
But He felt her pain and wept with every tear He could spare.
The time for pain didn’t stop,
As three years passed on,
But the emptiness grew
Like an ever-spinning top.
She clouded her vision to His love,
By trying to fill her vacant heart.
She tried to give herself to men who wouldn’t take,
And she remained like a flightless dove.
Her thoughts drifted to the flow of her peers,
Who filled their lives with unnatural pleasure,
But they seemed to be happy
With all the sex, drugs, and tears.
Then on that day of love, He sent a sign.
An image so beautiful that only He could create.
The rose-red across the sky
Said to her, “You’ll always be mine.”
Her heart filled with delight
Finally knowing that God was there for her
Her dove spread its wings
And took off, knowing that everything’s right.
However that joy soon began to fade
As she once again stepped to the outside.
All those around her spread their net
And trapped the new hope that He had made.
Once again blinded by her void
God’s love abandoned her heart
Even though He still loved her
He still longed for her to become once again overjoyed.
Then that day came
When He sent her a love
That she found him to be
An element that made life never again the same.
But with that physical love
A realization came to be
That without God’s devotion,
She would not have been a newfound dove.
And here she stood staring at the pine,
With a sudden clasp to engulf her.
Then she turned to her groom and said,
“Without His love, you would never be mine
Friday, June 27, 2008
DYMO was amazing. But when isn't it? Ton of fun, loved my new family, and cried WAY too much. I miss it there though. I thought I would die without my people though. I wanted to show Becca the lake, because I knew she would think it was cool as I did. But Becca is too old. I don't want to grow up I don't think. It's probably extremely obvious that I'm not very grown up. I bite doctors and orthodontists, I'm scared of thunder, I sleep with a teddy bear (YEAH!!! It's name is Foofie, it's a mix between fluffy and poofie!!! Becca named it!!!)... Geez. Childish. But I don't mind. Till I got to go to the doctor or until there's a thunder storm or till I don't have my teddy bear. Then it's not so much fun anymore. I've got to go to the doctor soon. I've got to get 8 different shots. Not fun. I'm going to cry really hard. Like, this seriously isn't going to be cool at all. I hope that it's worth the allergy medicine that I'll be getting. I don't have much of a choice but to be good for this one... Mrs. Hurst is probably coming, and I don't want to upset her. That would not be good. I made it to morning mass again today. I haven't missed one that I was able to go to yet. Tomorrow will be sad though. I've been getting up naturally at about 7:00 lately, which is odd. It gives me time to get a quick something to eat if I'm hungry though. It freaks people out the way that I eat. I don't eat three meals like a "normal" person does. I can't do that; it makes me sick. If I get hungry, I eat. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat. Usually that means about 1.5 meals a day. I only got one of them so far today, and I'm starting to feel a little hungry. I went out and danced in that rain today. If it weren't illegal, I'd have danced naked, it felt so good. But the boys next door would've gotten quite a show. Not going to happen. I'm trying so hard to break myself into that thunder. Becca said that it was cool, so I want to think that it's cool too. Because Becca is a cool person. I miss my cousin Kelly... I was laughing at some of her pictures on facebook the other day. We should hang out sometime, but I know she's probably too busy for that kind of stuff. lol. Well, I've got to go. Goodnight all!!!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Today was the last full day of school. I'm not sure whether I should be sad or happy about that. Snap. One of my cuts is getting ick. I stopped (for now... it kinda comes in cycles...) I hope it doesn't get any more purple than it already is. Exams start tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, mostly about math. D'aww, I got the program from Our Town, and Becca wrote on it, and she made me cry!!! I <3 that girl, she is the coolest. I didn't have anything to do on my Thursdays since choir is over, so last night, Dan said, "Jessie, how about I give you guitar lessons on Thursdays?" That is the coolest thing ever. I can't wait to learn. I feel so bad for Michael. But I almost wish that he would ask her out and get it over with. He likes this one girl (who already has a boyfriend) and he won't ask her out. I loooovvveee him, but yeah, he likes her. We hang out a lot, because we're really good friends (when he's not picking on me and teasing me like he does...), and now the stupid and immature freshmen are giving him crap about me being his girlfriend. I, of course, don't mind. But it really frustrates him, and he's starting to get upset with me. I stood next to "her" in the lunch line today, and her boyfriend dissed him, and she went right along with it. Oh, I could've screamed. I love him more than he could ever know, he likes her, and she dissed him. And he's frustrated with me. I wish... Just because it seems like the best thing that could happen for him, I wish that he would ask her out, get his heart broken, and get it over with. I hate sounding so mean. But it seems like that would be what's best for him. I really do love him. Sighs.
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